A Look in the Mirror

I recently did a presentation that was posted live on the web. When the presentation was done I was curious about how it went so I logged on to the web site to see myself. The second I came on the screen I was horrified and immodestly exited the site. I was full of horror at that split second image of myself. This is not the first time this has happened. I have been on t.v. a few times and taped myself. I have never watched more that 10 seconds. Even my wedding video is hard to watch. I think the thing is, is that I have this skewed view of myself. How I look, How I sound. When I am in front of a room presenting I am 130 pounds, sanding up strait, perfect make up and hair. My voice is melodic. My strides are flawless. Not that what I look like, who I am, is bad, it is just not what is in my mind.

In the car in the morning I am often using the mirror to put on make up (I KNOW, I KNOW!) and have this tiny rectangular view of only parts of my face. When I just see my smile, it can fit into the false image I have of myself. When I just see my eyes, same thing. Then I get to work, look in the mirror and think "Who is this!?! What kind of face is this?!?

When you are a poet or a song writer you can use words to make amazing statements and still be a bit anonymous. It can be a bit more abstract, but bloggers don't always have that luxury. Part of blogging is sharing stories, finding laughter in myself, finding a platform for my passions, but one area I have avoid for 255 posts is insecurity.

I happen to have a lot of it. I know most people do and most people, like me can be pretty good at covering it up. There are days when I wonder when I am going to be "found out". Maybe people will realize I am faking it all, discover that from 6-12th grade I was a first class nerd. I know it should not matter, but what happens in middle and high school does not easily disappear. Maybe I did not need to take it so seriously and realize everyone back that was just as tormented as I was, all in our own way, but I am also a little to narcissistic to look outside myself when I am feeling down and out.

I look in the mirror and see my flaws. I look around a room wondering who I can trade my body with. I wish I was better at time management, organization, domestic tasks. I want to stop being stressed out being a mom. I want to do right by everyone all the time.

I see myself as "Sarah, Plain and Tall" (remember that book?) Someone is always prettier, smarter, faster, wittier than me. I covet in others the traits I do not have. I have a hard time seeing what all I have accomplished and focus on what I can not do.

I am not writing this looking for affirmation or kudos of any kind. I am generally a very happy, upbeat and optimistic person, but I write this because when I started this blog I committed to honesty and have have not always been honest about my view of myself. I think at 34, I am in a good place, I have enough courage and faith in myself that I take chances, try new things and do not worry about what others think. But I just can't seem to let go of what I think. What my expectations are. That is what I get to work on in my 30's (ICK!) I also write this because one of you might someday feel the same self deprecation and it is much better to have a buddy. The more I learn about others, the more normal I feel, so if some of my bad days can be help bring others a companion in sorrow then I have done my job well.