truth

Do you know that I have pages and pages of my favorite quotes saved that I post on Facebook statues, share with friends, write blogs about and just read and think about? The same with song lyrics. I have files full of stories, articles, books, pictures, anything that inspires me. I have so much inspiration. I truly, with all my heart and soul want to change the world. Every day, all day I think about what I can do. I know what I want to do.

But here is the truth, faithful readers.. (and I am not looking for pity) every night, I am back on my couch, with a computer on my lap, doing the same thing, reading quotes, books, articles and listening to songs that inspire me. Every day I have lived my life, done my best, but remain on my couch.

I can talk about my passions, I can go to work and spend 8 (o.k 12) hours doing my best with them there. I can try to teach them to my children, but still, I am here. Waiting. For something big to happen, for the grassroots campaign to fall into my lap. The truth is, I can permanently tattoo "peace" on my body, but I can not figure out how to take a permanent step outside of myself. How to get myself off this couch and do something more. I will wear a backpack and a bandana, but I do not climb the mountain. I can quote Ghandi and Mother Teresa, but here I sit in my warm cozy home drinking wine and over eating.

I am feeling pretty good about the adoption piece, and my passion there remains so strong, but how can I be passion about adoption with out seeing the need it arises from! Poverty, abuse, neglect, disease (HIV!!!!!). What about education... We are losing money like crazy there. And then there are women's rights, especially in the middle east and AFrica and Asia...The world is FULL of injustice and I just sit around. Eating cereal and surfing the internet!

I am superficial. I am the American I loathe. I am the one who can talk a big game, but never take the big step.

Somedays I think, I am only 34! Other days I think, I am already 34!!!! So I just keep reading, and keep waiting and another day passes, another week, another year... I argue between being content with what I have vs hiding in contentment.

Truly I am not afraid, I am not. O.k., I am afraid, but it is failure I am afraid of. And I am not lazy...when I know what specifically it is I can do, but when I face this huge vast wilderness of a "next step", it is easier to be lazy then to really figure out what I need to do. Where I fit. How to begin!!!!!!???????

And in the spirit of true honest, I will tell you that there is some narcissism involved. I would like to be the profiled person in the Sunday Press, I would like to be interviewed on NPR (and Ellen), I would like to write a best selling autobiography, I would like to give commencement address that inspire the next generation of social change. I would like to be recognized on the street. I would like to inspire. And since I am thinking big, I would like to win the nobel peace prize.

Well, I guess I am just rambling now. I am not looking for pity, I am just being honest, and maybe by being honest, I will find someone who will help me find that first step...