Narcissism

I clearly remember the first time I realized that the world and everything in it did not completely exist for me. I really thought that people stopped existing if I could not see them or hear them.

I was driving in our station wagon, the one with wood working on the side and a rear facing back seat (believe me this was very cool in the 80’s). We were driving down 28th street and we had just passed Woodland Roller Skating Rink (the details are too much!) As I was watching cars drive by and turn down side streets it occurred to me that there were real people in those cars and they kept on driving and they kept on existing. Even with out me near by. They did not just disappear into this 3rd dimension with all the extra socks that do not make it out of the dryer. They keep on living.

I can clearly remember going into my parents room at night, for whatever reason any child goes in, and thinking my dad was just laying there waiting for me to enter. He didn’t need to sleep, he just shut down until the light of his life gave him reason to turn back on.

Thinking back to that day as an adult is very surreal. Now I am in a world that I feel so small and insignificant in. Well of course there is my family that I would like to believe could not exist with out me, or my job where the whole organization would collapse if I left. But the entire world! The events that take place, the good the bad the terrifying the beautiful. I feel like a grain of sand that is could be blown away at any second with a new grain to take it’s place. When I think about the passage of time, my 30 years on this planet, that has been around longer than I can fathom.

It is interesting to watch my children that live in that narcissistic place. When adults are talking and ignoring Hanna and Abby, it as though they can not comprehend that we would have any thing else to do beside revel at their every move.